まやぴ

I think there's something hard-wired in my heart and soul intended to make me miserable and to die an early death. I can't stop doing nasty and dangerous things! My heart aches and my head spins no matter what. My limbs are always in pain due to general weakness and a mistake I made many years ago. I think I have to throw in the towel one of these days.

Every time I wake up I discover a brand new way to feel sick and new evidence of self destruction (in one of various forms) left from the previous day that I usually can't for the life of me remember actually doing. It's like there is an evil spirit possessing me.

I don't think this evil spirit is really a thing, so I need to stop blaming it. The only evil spirit and ghost in my life is Akuryou Obake, and he's done nothing to me except inspire a kind and creative life, so I should stop calling all my wild and dangerous feats "Akuryou Obake aura" lol
it's not like I can even match his level of cool with the way he hurts himself

My family kind of thinks ignoring my issues will make them go away though and it's making me sicker and sicker as time goes on. The days are ticking down until I see a psychiatrist for the first time so hopefully they can fix me when it happens...mentally at least. the physical issues are maybe bust forever

じゃあね。

I woke up around 10AM today, which is good. After only 3 hours of sleep, which is bad. My life is falling apart.

I feel like I'm sitting between dream and reality at all times... sleep deprivation is doing awful numbers to my body, spirit, heart & mind. I don't know how much longer I can take this. I'm yawning as I type this, and I'm so sad and lonely, and I want nothing more than to go to bed. But I feel like I have to wait another hour or two.

I saw my employment supervisor today, and my friend Harm gifted me a 3D model, as detailed in my last post. I had pretty good luck and hyper-won a Mahjong game. But aside from that I can't think of what I've done today. I can't think of what happened today at all. It's not even a blur, or a muddy puddle, it doesn't exist. It is nothing. My brain is fucked up and my body hurts more than anything.

I want to go to sleep... please...

Oh, I booked a doctor's appointment for a week from now. I'm going to beg the dude for lithium or at least a psych referral lol. My bipolar disorder is kicking my ass
and everything hurts
and I suffer from severe insomnia due to both mania and depression
and I hate it all

じゃあね。

As a child, I always looked forward to consuming medicine. Cough medicine especially. I liked children's cough medicine, due to its strange flavour, but the adult stuff intrigued me even more. It had such a unique taste I couldn't help but love it.

Sometimes I would sneak around just to get a taste of cough medicine when I wasn't sick.

This apple-flavoured soju, that came with a shot glass of its own, tastes exceedingly like cough medicine. I love it!

I was poking around like usual and I saw... a chainsaw! Right next to the menstrual pads and incontinence underwear! You're kidding me!! I almost wish I had the 39 bucks to spend right now. It would be great for yard work....
Ahh, and imagine the photo ops provided by an honest-to-God chainsaw... especially in cosplay... oh, how I weep... and at the $39 price point, it's a steal! After getting home I looked it up and these apparently go for about $270 brand new. WTF. Maybe I'll come back for it...

In other news I lost like 4kg by mistake thanks to my prescription medication. Awesome. I'm back to what was previously the high end of my normal range.
Maybe one day I'll be as light as a feather just like Toda-sama... NOT.
Let me lay out the calculations for you: 48/(178^2) = BMI 15.15, severe thinness. To be the same as him I'd have to be 15.15*(1.64^2) = 40.75 KG. Do I look like the kind of guy to have that resolve?! Gah!!!

Ne, the Queen of Blogging is back!... no, it doesn't work if I'm not Toda.

As mentioned in my last blog, I got a full time job; I'm due to start on the 14th now that my document complications have been smoothed over. For now, I wait.

But in celebration... I bought myself a new computer! For only 310 AUD (including shipping), a beautiful Lenovo P410 which will arrive in about four days. It will keep me going for a long, long time. Maybe I'll fight to give it all 128GB of RAM it can hold! Hehehe...

Xeon inside. Xeons are fancy. I'm fancy.

I love to hang out in the library. I love quiet spaces...

They have both PCs and Macs in here. We're really living in the future! It's truly the Space Age! Not even my pricey first high school could manage this!

I'm at the train station right now. Look what I caught for the few moments it was here, neh~ everything shut off, and then just for a moment...someone was logging into Windows 10! I even think the account said "Pi User".


In other news, I am listening to lots and lots of Polysics and Talking Heads. Both very, very good bands... sigh...

I left and wandered around. I had a location in mind: a sturdy pylon who I had met before. I followed her wires north. Further and further... waded through tall grass for fun... ended up with some fabulous views.

Unfortunately some nasty stuff happened between me and some insects. But that's better than being bored, neh~

I went thrifting today in hopes of finding a bag with a nice bag strap to harvest instead of having to pay more for one from Amazon or AliExpress but... nothing O_o WTF?? There used to be messenger bags everywhere.

I saw this suitcase that I was honestly really tempted by because it's so "me", but I already have one the same size at home that I customised a couple of years ago now. 面倒くさい！面倒くさい！面倒くさい！面倒くさい！